


You're (Not) Welcome

by duelmepharaoh (captain_indigo)



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!, Yu-Gi-Oh! Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Awkward Nerd Atem, Gen, Vampire AU, could be read as heartshipping but it's not relevant to the plot, good thing yugi and ryou don't take no shit from paranormal entities, please god don't let this turn into twilight-esque bullshit i will fling myself into the sun, this will probably just be my excuse to dredge up ridiculous vampire lore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-12 18:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10497036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_indigo/pseuds/duelmepharaoh
Summary: Modern vampire aufrom this tumblr post.Atem the vampire usually poses as a salesman to corner his prey, but sometimes generational changes in language just ruin everything.





	1. Millenials

He was hungry again.  
Usually he tried to avoid hunting in the city. Too many people, too easy to get caught. Atem grinned, scanning the food court casually over his magazine.  
Well, it didn't matter. He was far too good to get caught.

Minutes passed, and Atem made sure to occasionally turn a page, adding to the illusion that he was reading. His nose twitched. _Finally_. Glancing over to his left, he saw a small group crowd around one of the tables, chattering brightly. Atem narrowed his eyes slightly. It was one of the shorter ones who'd caught his attention. His hair was ridiculously spiked, and his leather jacket and collar only added to his odd appearance. He smelled _good_ though. Atem's nose twitched again, his stomach rumbling slightly in anticipation. He sighed in annoyance and waited for the group to leave. Then, all that remained was to follow his meal home, and wait for evening. Soon, he would be satisfied.

* * *

 In retrospect, it was kind of odd that the salesman knocked, instead of just barging into the game shop like the others. Yugi was tired though, after a long afternoon of excessively loud children trying to purchase the new Duel Disk. He got that Kiba was an innovator, but a new one every year seemed a little much. He heard another tap at the door, and walked around the counter with a resigned sigh. Maybe the salesman was just trying to be polite. The doorbell jingled softly as Yugi pulled open the door.

     "Can I help you?" Yugi unconsciously rubbed his temple, thoroughly ready to close the shop and enjoy some time in blessed silence.

     "Certainly! I would like to talk to the owner of this fine establishment. I'm a representative for Hobby Japan, and as one of the most successful gaming shops in the area I'm hoping to discuss your plans in the area of table-top RPG's...." Yugi was barely listening to the guy's spiel, leaning on the door frame and wondering why on earth this asshole had waited till closing time to show up. This asshole with surprisingly coiffed hair and tight jeans for a salesman. At least he was hot instead of just obnoxious. Yugi sighed and finally decided to cut him off.

     "I certainly appreciate the compliment, Mr...?"

     "Please call me Atem," the salesman replied charmingly. Yugi decided to blame his fatigue for the way his eyes were drawn to Atem's slight dimples.

     "Mr. Atem, of course you'll have to meet with my grandfather and myself. All decisions about taking on new products would need to be discussed between the three of us." Yugi said all this almost on autopilot. It was a well-used and convenient excuse to get rid of people trying to sell him something. "Would you like to leave your contact info?" The guy smiled strangely at that.

     "Of course, I understand. I look forward to meeting with you." Atem pulled out a pen and a business card. "Let me give you my personal number as well- oh dear!" He dropped his pen in the most obviously clumsy manner Yugi had ever seen. Rolling his eyes, Yugi reached down and grabbed it. Weirdly elegant, just like the guy's clothes, he noticed. Handing the pen back, their fingers brushed, and Yugi frowned. Atem's hands were _freezing_. Whatever this guy was trying to sell, "weird" was beginning to describe an uncomfortable amount of their interaction. Yugi stopped leaning on the door and stood straighter, not even sure why he was suddenly on edge.

     "Thank you, Mr. Muto," Atem said. He seemed strangely expectant. Yugi shrugged.

     "No problem. Anyway, leave your number, and- " He broke off abruptly as Atem did the strangest thing yet. He started to stride forward, and Yugi tensed, but the salesman seemed to stub his toes quite hard on the empty air in the middle of the door. He staggered backwards with a surprised grunt, dropped both the pen and the business card, and stood in the doorway looking totally thunderstruck.

     "I...you...what did you just say?"

     "Leave your, uh. Leave your number? Are you ok?" Yugi stared. Atem was wiggling one of his fancy boots and wincing. What on earth had he hit his foot on?

     "No, no, before that," Atem grumbled, leaning on the door frame and massaging the tip of his boot. He was blushing with embarrassment, all the way up to the tips of his ears.

     "I picked up your pen, you said thank you, and I said no problem. Are you sure you didn't bump your head instead of your toes?"

     "I...I um. You didn't say..." Atem suddenly seemed to remember where he was, and jumped away from the door. His eyes were comically wide, and his eyebrows seemed to have disappeared into his bangs. "Shit. Shit! This never happens. Fuck. Um. Nice talking to you! Have a good day! I mean, good night!" Atem started to bow, out of habit, but it turned into more of a full-body nervous twitch as he spun on his heel and sprinted away down the street.

     "Well, that happened," Yugi muttered to himself. He looked down thoughtfully, waving his hand through the bottom of the doorway. He met nothing but air. "So how did he stub his toes? You know what, no, I'm too tired for this." Deciding he really needed to stop talking aloud to himself, he grabbed the pen and the business card from the stoop and shoved them in his pocket. He was definitely going to check all the locks tonight before he went to bed.


	2. Just Google It

Atem paced back and forth under the trees, grateful that the park had emptied out for the evening. Had he just not been paying attention? When had people stopped saying "you're welcome" when you thanked them? Fucking millennials. If this was going to become the new turn of phrase, he was going to have to adjust his strategy. Of course, he could always approach people outside of their homes, but that made things even more risky. Even among vampires, there was a general consensus about avoiding attention, for the sake of all of them. Don't get caught, don't take enough blood to kill anyone, cover your tracks as much as possible, and always be ready to abandon a meal in favor of getting away safely.

     "No one said anything about what to do when you make an ass of yourself in front of some guy because they can't say you're welcome like a normal human being," Atem growled to himself. He supposed it would have happened eventually, but still. Atem realized suddenly that he'd stopped pacing and was just standing in place. Even worse, he'd been running his hands through his hair in frustration, and it was now a total mess. He huffed, stalking off into the night. He still had his pride, and this just couldn't stand. He felt a flush creeping up the back of his neck again. Screw the risk. Atem was going to figure out a way into that guy's house if it was the last thing he did.

* * *

 Yugi lay on his bed, tapping his fingers absently against the edge of his laptop. When in doubt, google it. Even if the thing you were in doubt about was some weirdo salesman stubbing his toe on thin air in the middle of your door. He should probably just forget about it, but even the slightest hint of something beyond the ordinary piqued his interest these days. It was part of why he and Ryou got along so well. He'd already tried "people that can't come in your house," but all that had turned up was legal stuff, and excuses to avoid seeing your friends. Yugi snorted, and adjusted his search. Maybe he wasn't being literal enough. "People who can't pass through your doorway" seemed closer, but most of it was geared towards moving large furniture, plus one random link about searching for Jesus. Yugi slipped his hands behind his head, going over the conversation in his mind. The guy had clearly expected something different from their interaction, but Yugi couldn't think of anything that he'd said that was out of the ordinary. He looked over at his desk, squinting at the crimson pen and the off-white business card like they could somehow give him answers.

     "Ok, one more and then I'm definitely going to sleep." he muttered. "Let's try...hmm." Finally, he decided to just list a bunch of characteristics at once. "Cold hands...charming...can't walk through doorways," he typed. The first three links were similar to the other searches, but his eyes fell on the fourth link and he burst out laughing. Vampires! Of course. He should've just called Ryou in the first place, he could've told him that in about five seconds. Yeah, vampires. Cause those definitely exist. After the events of several years ago, Yugi was pretty open to anything paranormal, but this was a little silly. Vampire salesman. Sure. Still giggling, he shut his laptop and changed into sweatpants. Well, he hadn't invited the guy in at least, and he'd double-checked the locks. Either way, he could probably sleep without worrying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Needed a break from work so I wrote a wee little chapter. Atem is still way too proud and dramatic for his own good. Also I'm pretty stoked that I finally got to use "fucking millennials" in a fic for some reason. Probably because I am one, and find it hilarious.


	3. Yugi & Ryou Piss Off A Vampire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, something I totally forgot about putting in the notes on the last chapter: since this is an au, and Atem is a vampire, there are no Millennium Items. When Yugi says he and Ryou got interested in the supernatural "after the events of several years ago," he isn't talking about any of the Yugioh canon stuff. Which didn't happen, because this is an au. He's definitely talking about some other Event, which I definitely did not make up just now. Because I briefly forgot I was writing an au. No, definitely not. Everything is going as planned. Also changed the rating to T because I realized there's swearing and sex jokes.

     "No, I'm dead serious! He actually blushed! It would have been hilarious if I hadn't been so tired last night." Yugi gestured animatedly with his fries. It was habit at this point to hang out with Ryou and eat terrible food at some point during the weekend.

     "So," Ryou said, taking a moment to swallow his mouthful of pop. "He really stubbed his toe in thin air? You're sure he didn't hit it on the door frame or something?"

     "Super sure. Come on Ryou, work with me here. How many people can say they encountered a hot vampire salesman and lived to tell the tale?"

     "Ok, ok." Ryou rolled his eyes. "Next you'll be telling me he glittered in the sunlight and smelled like cinnamon."

     "My own...personal brand of heroin..." Yugi muttered to himself, staring dramatically off into the middle distance. He looked over at Bakura out of the corner of his eye, and they both burst out laughing. "Oh my god Ryou. No. Fine, maybe he did just hit the door frame, I don't know. Although after that thing with the spirit, I'm totally taking precautions. Ryou. Ryou! Stop laughing!" Bakura finally managed to get his giggles under control, and gave Yugi a peck on the cheek by way of an apology. "Can we just get back to the game?" Yugi grumbled.

     "You're the one that was so excited to tell me about your, shall we say, interview with a vampire?" Ryou said, still snickering. Groaning, Yugi elbowed him in the ribs just as he unpaused the game. "No! Sabotage!" shouted Bakura, scrambling to grab his controller. One very contentious round of two-player Starfox later, they decided to switch.

     "Alright babe, your turn. What are we playing?"

     "Castlevania!" chirped Ryou, digging in the very disorganized box of game cartridges.

     "You've got to be kidding me."

     "Not because it has a vampire in it, calm down. We just haven't played it in a while."

     "True. Are we keeping track of deaths this time?"

     "No way. I came over here to have fun, remember? I don't want to deal with you pouting because you aren't the king of _all_ games."

     "I don't pout," said Yugi.

     "Yes you do. You're doing it right now, in fact," Ryou countered, grinning. "Very attractive, I must say."

     "I'm ninety percent sure that was sarcasm, but I'm going to take the complement anyway."

 

Yugi rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and glanced at the clock. 2 AM. So much for a sleep schedule. His back was already stiff from dozing off against the bed. He reached over and switched off the console, carefully untangling himself from Bakura's sprawling limbs. Lucky they both had pajama pants on already.

     "Ryou. Hey. Come on man, don't make me pick you up." Ryou mumbled vaguely at him, but managed to wake up enough to move from the floor to the bed. Barely conscious himself, Yugi still managed to turn off the lights and pull some covers over them both. Ryou made a more approving noise this time, and wrapped an arm around Yugi's waist as they drifted off again.

* * *

Atem was back at the food court, tapping his foot impatiently in midair. He kept glancing over the top of the book he was "reading," wondering if the guy would even show up at all. If not, he supposed he could go back to the game shop and snoop around, but this way would be easier. If it worked. His stomach grumbled again, and he could feel an annoying pressure starting to build behind his eyes. He hoped his hunger wasn't clouding his judgement. He huffed in amusement. No, that would be his pride. At least he knew his own weaknesses. He glanced over the top of his book again, just in time to see Yugi walking through one of the archways. He was deep in conversation with someone else, his eyes twinkling. Atem squinted at the other man, wondering what possessed him to bleach his hair that white. It made him look positively ghoulish. Suddenly, Yugi looked up from his conversation and stopped dead. Shit. Hadn't the crowded mall been enough to keep him hidden? Yugi turned to the man next to him and whispered something excitedly. They both started blatantly staring at him, obviously trying to control their laughter. Atem felt heat creeping up the back of his neck again. Oh hell no. Not this time. He wasn't going to let that pair of weirdos intimidate him. He was probably a hundred years older than them both. Acknowledging them both with a smooth smile, he rose from his chair and started making his way through the crowd.

     "Fancy seeing you here, Mr. Atem. I was a little concerned after you ran off so abruptly the other day." Yugi's face was carefully blank, but he couldn't quite keep the laughter out of his eyes.

     "Please, just Atem will do. And I appreciate it, I was, ah. I had quite the fever that evening, I certainly should not have been working." Dammit. Atem shook himself internally. Why did this feel so awkward suddenly?

     "Well Atem, then I suppose you can call me Yugi. This is Ryou." He nodded at his friend, who was not having quite as much success keeping a straight face. Ryou cleared his throat.

     "Pleased to meet you!" he managed to squeak out, before trying mightily to pass his laugh off as a fairly violent sneeze. Atem stiffened. Why were they so amused? He'd made a fool of himself, sure, but had it really been that funny? "Oh Yugi," Ryou managed finally, "Do you think you could hold my bag? I need to go get a drink." He very deliberately handed cloth bag to Yugi, watching Atem out of the corner of his eye.

     "Sure thing Ryou. I'll take that," Yugi said, as mechanically as if he were reading lines from a script. Atem stared at their bizarre exchange, trying to figure out what on earth they were doing. "Oh, I'm such a clutz!" Yugi exclaimed as he tipped the bag, letting a handful of what looked like plain brown rice fall to the floor. Atem froze. He looked down at the rice. He looked back up at Yugi and Ryou. He looked down at the rice again. His fingers started tapping unconsciously against his thigh. One. Two. Three, four, five, six-

     "Oh my god!" hissed Ryou, not bothering to conceal his grin this time. "Are you actually counting them?" Atem jumped.

     "N- no, I'm. Uh." His gaze flicked back down towards the rice, and then up to Yugi and Ryou, who were both staring at him like he'd sprouted a second head. "No! I'm not- "

     "Holy shit Ryou, he totally is one, I told you!" Yugi beamed. Ryou was still transfixed at the sight of Atem trying desperately not to continue counting the rice. Atem's face was scrunched up with the effort, his hands clenched at his sides. Finally he managed to glance up at them one last time.

     "So this is how we're gonna play it?" He growled furiously, feeling his traitorous cheeks flushing yet again. "Fine. Game on!" Atem whirled on his heel and walked quickly away from the rice. He didn't run. Otherworldly creatures of the night didn't run. Especially not from their prey. He was simply making a strategic retreat, as far away from that rice and their giggling as possible.

     "So uh. Now that we've established that he's either a vampire or has some kind of thing about rice. Shit. I think we made him mad, Ryou. Did you see that thing he did with his teeth?"

     "Agreed, that wasn't the friendliest growl I've ever heard," Bakura said.

     "Do friendly growls even exist? Wait, no, I take that back."

     "Your weird sex noises aside, I think it's time to go back to my place and do some good old-fashioned research." Ryou rubbed his hands together like a cartoon villain, looking far too pleased about the fact that they now had to plan a defense against what was quite likely an actual real-life vampire.

     "You don't get to talk about my noises, Ryou "occult kink" Bakura," Yugi snorted. "Alright, I'm with you on the research. I don't want to have to carry a bag of rice with me for the rest of my life. Let's go see what else we can find."


	4. DIY Vampire Hunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yugi and Ryou go shopping, find an extremely useful YouTube tutorial, and Atem informs them that Demonic Creatures of the Night have no use for such a useless human activity as "going to the movies".

     "Oh stop that, he's not going to attack us in broad daylight in the middle of a 7-Eleven."

     "You don't know that," muttered Ryou, swiveling his head this way and that. Yugi tossed two bags of garlic bread into their basket. "Do we really need that much?"

     "No idea. Better safe than sorry. So, garlic bread, a full thing of salt, a cross necklace, bottled water. Anything else you can think of?"

     "I would grab a pumpkin-scented candle, and some frozen soybeans." Ryou answered. "Do you still have your digital camera and that window fan from last summer?"

     "Yes and yes. And we already got dowel rods, electrical tape, and charcoal from the DIY store. You should have everything else at your place. Have I told you lately that I'm very glad we're friends?"

     "You're only saying that because a vampire is trying to eat you," said Ryou affectionately. They both heard a slight gasp, and turned to see an older woman and her grandchild staring at them with suspicion. They turned back towards the snack shelves with matching evil grins.

     "Do you think the meat we have at home will be enough for the blood sacrifice?" said Yugi, raising the volume of his voice slightly.

     "Oh heavens no. Our dark master requires much more than that to quench his unholy thirst!" Ryou replied, clasping his hands theatrically to his chest. They managed to wait until the woman and her grandchild had fled the store in horror before they burst out giggling.

     "Speaking of unholy thirst, do you think he actually, like. Drinks blood? I still can't believe we're discussing this, honestly."

     "I would assume. It kind of depends which canon you're following, but the majority of vampires in folklore did survive on blood, yes. Although if he does, it must somehow be non-lethal. We'd know if people had been dying of blood loss and strange puncture wounds. Or, I would, at least."

     "Seriously, you spend way too much time on those conspiracy theory forums. I guess that's some comfort. Even if he does get to me, I probably won't die. Probably. What's with the soybeans?"

     "That's from the Touhou Project, it's a series of video games. Not really traditional lore, but we need to play the odds. If we pull ideas from enough sources, one of them is bound to be an actual weakness. We do have to roast them when we get home though.," Ryou added. Yugi nodded, continuing to throw stuff into their basket.

     "I need to go home and get the camera and the fan, do you think he'll try something?"

     "He didn't seem to have any issues with sunlight, so it's entirely possible. It's the weekend though, so there might be too many people around. If we stick to busy areas I think it'll be fine."

     "We could always just throw rice at him again."

     "Come on Yugi, what fun is that? We can't just spam the same trick over and over. It's bad sportsmanship."

     "Says the guy who isn't about to get eaten," grumbled Yugi as they left the store.

 

The detour to the game shop was uneventful, although it was getting late in the evening by the time they started back towards Ryou's apartment. Yugi carried his bulky window fan, and Ryou had most of the bags. Thankfully, they didn't live that far apart. The weekend crowds had largely thinned out, and Yugi kept a careful watch while Ryou juggled bags to get at his apartment key. The street lamps made things easier, but he kept thinking he saw a bright pair of eyes following them from the shadows. A single bat fluttered across the darkening sky, and Yugi glared at it suspiciously. Finally Ryou managed to unlock the door, and they both hurried inside.

     "At least we didn't fall victim to that particular horror trope. Alright Van Helsing, where do we start?"

     "As long as you're talking about the book version of Van Helsing," replied Ryou primly. "You start the soybeans, I'm going to start on the crossbow. That'll need the most preparation."

     "I'm glad you're being thematically appropriate with your weaponry!" called Yugi, retreating to the kitchen with one of the bags. Ryou spent way too long clearing off the living room table. It was covered with an unfinished Monster World game, and he didn't want to lose their places. When the board had been carefully transferred to the floor in an out-of-the-way corner, he got out the dowel rods, some rubber bands, a hot glue gun, and some assorted hand tools, and went to work. Once Yugi had the soybeans in the oven, he wandered back into the living room and plopped down next to Ryou.

     "There's seriously a dowel rod crossbow tutorial on YouTube?"

     "They have everything on YouTube," Ryou muttered absently, trying to make sure his crossbar was level.

     "Is that even going to have enough power to do anything?"

     "Not if you keep distracting me."

Finally Yugi shrugged and disappeared, returning with a bowl of garlic bread.

     "Eat up! I feel like garlic is a good thing to test first." Ryou nodded, still focused on the video, but he did reach over and grab a slice. Yugi started going through the rest of the bags. He put on the cross necklace, and made sure the fan's power cord was long enough so he could position it in front of the door. He considered the rest of the pile carefully, before grabbing his camera and slipping the strap around his neck. He paced nervously around the apartment, grabbing the occasional piece of bread between peering out the windows.

     "Hey, Yugi?" Ryou finally looked up from his work. "Can you grab me a tin can from the recycling?"

     "Sure. Are we doing target practice?" Ryou nodded, and they set up a few tin cans on the back of the couch.

     "I think the glue has dried enough, and I made a bunch of bolts with a pencil sharpener. Would you like to do the honors?"

     "Oh hell yes." Yugi grabbed the crossbow, carefully pulling back the thick rubber bands and setting a bolt in place. "Hey, you even put a little sight on it. Neat."

     "Of course, what kind of vampire hunter do you take me for? It's not going to be very accurate anyway, but it should help a bit."

 

**_*SNAP*_ **

 

     "Holy shit Ryou, what are these rubber bands made of?" Yugi had missed the cans entirely, but the bolt had actually embedded itself slightly into the drywall. "We should've picked up some spackle."

     "I still have some left from a few months ago, we can patch the holes later. And they're actually not technically rubber bands, they're more like shock cord. I was worried they'd break the dowel rods, so I had to make everything thicker than in the video."

     "You're my favorite." Yugi was grinning like a maniac as he took aim again, hitting the can this time and actually puncturing it and knocking it off the couch. "Alright, now you try."

By the time they were both fairly confident they could hit things with the homemade crossbow, it was night in earnest. The last of the garlic bread was gone, and they were shrugging their jackets back on when Yugi jumped and ran to the window.

     "Did you see that?!"

     "What, where? Did you see him?" whispered Ryou excitedly.

     "I thought so. At least, I definitely saw someone. Are any of your neighbors the type to be running around on the roof so they can stare creepily in your window?"

     "Unlikely."

     "Are you sure this is a good plan Ryou? I do actually _like_ living. And he did look pretty mad."

     "You're seriously telling me you want to pass up the chance to embarrass that guy again?"

     "Ok, that's fair. We're certainly prepared enough. Plus I wanna see him blush again, it's adorable. God, this is like one of your LARP's, but worse."

     "Says the guy who plays a children's card game for a living."

     "Are we going or what?" The pair crept out of the apartment. Ryou was armed with the crossbow, and Yugi clutched the camera. A gentle breeze swept through the courtyard of the apartment complex, but otherwise there was no sound. Until...

     "Look!" hissed Ryou. A shadowy figure was crouched on the corner of the roof, its eyes glinting in the moonlight. A dark chuckle floated through the air, and the figure leaped, falling the two floors to the ground with ease.

     "Yep, that's him," said Yugi, starting across the courtyard. The dark figure looked to make sure Yugi was following, and then ran off down an alley.

     "Um. This is clearly a trap."

     "Of course it's a trap," Yugi answered. "It's like duel monsters. We have enough counter-traps that it only makes sense to attack anyway. Come on!" He ran off into the dark, chasing the dark figure.

     "If only we knew what kind of deck he's using..." grumbled Ryou, running after them. The chase wound through a few more buildings, before ending in an abandoned park. The breeze was ruffling the shrubbery gently, and the moonlight made the place look almost peaceful.

 

     "I'm glad you both decided to play. Planning on throwing rice at me again?" Atem's voice had reverted to its usual confident purr. 

     "I do play games for a living, I try not to be a bad sport." Yugi joked. No matter his actual skill, games of any kind were his natural habitat, and this was definitely a game of sorts. "Why did you wait till night? It didn't seem like sunlight had any effect on you."

     "Oh, but it does. I'm _much_ faster beneath the moonlight." Yugi heard Ryou swallow noisily behind him.

     "Are you afraid, little humans?"

Neither of them answered.

     "You should be." Atem's grin was utterly predatory. Yugi and Ryou tensed, seeing his teeth growing sharp again, and they barely had time to dodge when he sprang for them. Yugi frowned. Atem was definitely faster, and could obviously jump farther than usual. So affected by sunlight, and increased physical prowess. Check and check. Atem pivoted, leaping at them again with a snarl. This time when they managed to avoid his grasp, Ryou jumped out from behind Yugi and fired the crossbow right into Atem's shoulder.

     "What the fuck?" Atem stopped dead, staring at his shoulder. The wooden bolt had actually sunk in a bit, and Ryou took advantage of his confusion to shoot him again, this time in the stomach. Yugi barely managed to resist shouting something about attacking his life points.

     "Ow! What _is_ that?" He yanked the bolt out of his shoulder, wincing, and inspected it briefly. "You've got to be kidding me. You're shooting me with _dowel rods_?" He looked up, and realized Yugi and Ryou had started snickering again. "Stop that!"

     "Ok, so that's a "no" on the homemade crossbow then," said Ryou.

     "If you seriously thought those pitiful bolts could injure me, you're both more foolish than I thought. I can't believe I'm wasting my time with this."

     "Yeah," Yugi piped up. "Why _are_ you wasting your time with this? I mean isn't it a lot easier to eat someone when they don't know you're coming? We had time to do research and everything."

     "Anything you could've researched on that "world wide web" thing couldn't possibly compare to my dark and terrifying powers," snorted Atem derisively. "And I'm only wasting my time here because you've managed to _annoy_ me. You won't like me when I'm annoyed."

     "Did you seriously just make an Avengers reference and call the internet the 'world wide web' in the same sentence?" said Yugi in astonishment.

     "A... a what reference?" Atem realized he was starting to feel distinctly out of his depth again, and his resentment started to build.

     "Oh gods. You sound like my grandpa. Atem, how long has it been since you saw a movie?"

     "Your pitiful human pursuits are beneath me!" Yelled the vampire, his suave facade finally cracking completely. He lunged at Yugi, for once catching the human off-guard. Yugi dropped his camera in surprise as Atem yanked him away from Ryou and put him in a choke hold. "Not so clever now, are you?" Ryou gasped and tried to get a shot at them with the crossbow, but Atem was using Yugi very effectively as a body-shield. "Let's see if you taste as good as you smell, little human."

     "Holy shit, you're freezing!" Yugi choked out. He was struggling mightily against the icy body at his back, realizing that he might have actually gone too far. Just a bit. Good thing he still had a few trap cards on the field... Atem's hand paused over the cross necklace, laughing in genuine amusement.

     "I'm only freezing because you've delayed my meal for so long. You two need to stop reading so many trashy vampire novels." He grabbed the necklace by the chain and ripped it off Yugi's neck like it was nothing. "Now, finally..." Atem grabbed Yugi's hair and yanked his head to the side, using his other arm to pin the human's arms against his chest. He sunk his teeth into the side of Yugi's throat, and Ryou cried out in alarm-

 

Atem _gagged_ , dropping Yugi abruptly onto the ground and staggering backwards, hands over his mouth.

 

     "Yes! Quick Ryou, the camera!" Yugi had a hand pressed to his neck, but he was too high on adrenaline and the success of his plan to care very much. There was a flash as Ryou took the shot, and Atem blinked like a startled owl.

     "Garlic?!" He choked again, spitting blood and saliva onto the grass. "Oh, _fuck_ you! You'll pay for this! I really will kill you next time!" Atem stumbled off into the night, still coughing wetly.

     "Call me!" Yugi yelled after him. He and Ryou were fairly shrieking with laughter, leaning against each other as they made their way back to Ryou's apartment.

 

     "Are you sure you're ok?" Ryou was carefully applying antiseptic and a band-aid to Yugi's neck. The wound was closing rapidly on its own though, and he imagined it would be completely healed by the morning.

     "Are you kidding? He barely grazed the skin. Also, that was the funniest thing I've done in ages. Did you get the picture?" Ryou rolled his eyes at Yugi's utter lack of concern, but he nodded and reached across the kitchen table to grab the camera. Scrolling through the pictures, he finally reached the most recent, handing it over. "Oh my god Ryou I love you. Look at him! You can barely see him, he's like one big blur. I bet mirrors don't work either. And you got me in the shot too. Oh I'm totally posting this later." His enthusiasm was infectious.

     "So that's a yes for needing permission to enter a dwelling," Ryou said, "A yes for counting things, a yes for sensitivity to garlic, a half-yes for being affected by sunlight, a probable no for wooden stakes, although we didn't hit him in the heart, obviously. What else?"

     "He's not bothered by crosses," Yugi replied, "And he does sort of show up in pictures, but indistinctly. Definite yes for increased agility and physical strength. And yes for cold skin, although he did say that was only cause he was hungry, so. We should make some kind of chart, really." They both finally collapsed onto the couch, skin still buzzing slightly with excitement.

     "Well I would call our little experiment a rousing success. Although I still can't believe you told him to call you."

     "I don't usually let people bite me until after the third date. Don't worry though, he probably doesn't even have a phone," Yugi grinned. "You know how it is with old people and technology."

     "He seems persistent though. I'm sure he'll be back to take revenge for his wounded pride." Ryou muttered.

     "What do you want to try next? I'm thinking soybeans. I worked hard on those, and I don't want them to get all gross."

     "I say we go with the soybeans and the pumpkin candle. And maybe the bottled water, since both of those are kind of long shots. Do you think we should invite him in? Is that a terrible idea? For the sake of the experiment, of course."

     "Ryou, this entire thing is a terrible idea. Let's do it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ryou watches Wizards of Waverly Place confirmed.
> 
> I have a tumblr [(duelmepharaoh)](https://duelmepharaoh.tumblr.com/), if anyone wants to yell at me about this trash heap. <3 How did this get so long. What am I even doing. This was supposed to be a one-shot.


	5. How to Handcuff a Vampire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never invite an annoyed vampire into your crappy apartment without proper preparation!

     "Think he'll show up tonight?" Yugi and Ryou had finished their preparations a few hours earlier, and were playing Clayfighters on low volume. "I don't want to wait up too late, I have to open the game shop tomorrow morning."

     "I think it depends how hungry he is. It seems like he's dead set on you, so I don't know if he's gonna go snack on someone else or not."

     "I swear, he might be just as mindlessly stubborn as Kaiba. And that's something I never thought I'd say about anyone."

     "Yugi why do you always have to pick Blue Suede Goo! He's so overpowered."

     "He's only so good because I play him constantly. Also, he fights with his hair. How could I not pick him?"

     "Yeah, ok, ok," grumbled Ryou. "Hang on, I'm gonna go open a window. I want to be able to hear if we're going to have any guests."

     "Delay all you want, I'm still gonna kick your ass!"

Ryou ignored Yugi's taunting, going to the front window and peering out into the darkness. He tugged at the bottom of the frame. "Damn. Sticky. Window!" It finally gave under his fingers, shooting up rather more quickly than he intended.

     "Having a good evening you two?"

Ryou gasped slightly, jumping back out of arm's reach. While he'd been distracted by the stubborn window, Atem had appeared, crouched casually on the porch railing.

     "Yeah! I've just been owning Ryou at fighting games. Are you?" Yugi called from the floor by the tv, waving his controller.

     "I am now," Atem grinned, his teeth glittering in the light from their window. "Are you going to come out? It's no sport at all if you just shout at me through a window, and you know I can't enter without an invitation." He was almost getting used to their lack of terror. As pissed as he was, it was still oddly refreshing.

     "Actually, we were thinking of doing something different tonight," answered Ryou. He looked over at Yugi, making sure he was ready. Yugi smiled innocently, nodded, and hopped to his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Would you like to come in?"

     "Would I... what?" Atem's mouth actually dropped open.

     "I read that it has to be the actual resident of the dwelling, and this is my apartment. Is that sufficient?"

     "You're actually inviting me in."

     "Yep! It's only polite, right? Didn't you want to talk to me about my game shop and RPG's or something?" Yugi perched on the back of the sofa, wiggling his eyebrows at the vampire.

     "You're either incredibly foolish, or you have some sort of death wish. You know I'm going to suck you dry after all the shit you've put me through?"

Yugi stared at him for a moment, aghast, and then started laughing so hard he fell over the back of the couch.

     "What- That...that was supposed to be a threat. Why is he laughing?" Atem stared at Ryou helplessly.

     "Phrasing!" Yugi yelled in a strangled voice as he struggled to sit back up from where he had fallen upside down over the cushions.

Ryou pressed his lips together and took in a deep, calming breath through his nose. "Atem, do you know what an innuendo is?"

     "Of course I know what a- Oh." He cleared his throat awkwardly. He was not going to blush. He wasn't. Why was he still crouching on their porch when they'd already invited them in? Now was his chance to make them regret their life choices. Admittedly, he was also curious what the little tricksters had planned. "Alright you filthy-minded human, playtime's over!" He dove gracefully through the window, barely noticing as Ryou jumped out of his way, and went straight for the couch.

     "Oh fuck!" Yugi scrambled to get upright, grabbing one of the flat couch cushions and using it to fend off his attacker. He heard the fabric tear as Atem's nails dug into the other side. Good thing it was an old couch, or Ryou would've killed him.

     "You're mine this time, Yugi! Stop delaying the inevitable!" Atem dug in and ripped the cushion out of Yugi's hands, baring his teeth in delight.

     "Ryouuuu!" Yugi wailed, running to the other side of the couch, trying to use it as a barrier, but Atem easily vaulted it and...was met with a splash of water right to the face. He paused, spluttering. He looked over at Ryou, who was standing a few feet away, brandishing a half-empty water bottle with hopeful eyes.

     "Nice try," he growled. "That small amount of water won't do a thing, even if it is technically in motion. Besides ruin my eyeliner. What do you think we do, just never go out in the rain? Ridiculous." He shoved Ryou, knocking him to the floor with a squeak. "Now, where was I?"

     "Quenching your unholy thirst?" Called Yugi from across the room.

     "Maybe you aren't so foolish after all," smirked Atem, crossing the distance in a single leap. "Have you got any more surprises for me tonight?"

     "Maybe!" Yugi jerked his fists from his pockets and started chucking the roasted soybeans at Atem. He was a decent shot, but the vampire's greater speed was making things difficult. Still, did he seem a little slower than the night before?

     "Finally, you got one! I was wondering if garlic and rice were going to be the extent of your successes," Atem taunted as he dodged. One of the soybeans finally hit him lightly in the forehead, and bounced off with a hissing sound. Atem grimaced in pain. "Of course they'd work much better if you made some sort of protective circle with them."

     "Damn," Ryou swore. "I should have thought of that. Does salt have a similar effect?"

     "You know I can't just reveal my secrets. It's more fun to make you work for them. And it appears to be the only way I get to see you two squirm, for once." Without warning, he pivoted away from Ryou and grabbed, wrapping his cold hands around Yugi's throat. "Anything further before I wring your neck?"

     "Oh no, you got me!" Yugi choked, but there was still no real fear behind his words. What was going on?

 

***click***

 

Atem looked over his shoulder in surprise and found Ryou kneeling behind him, looking up at him with an expression that would've curdled Atem's blood if he'd had any. "Did you think we would invite you in without at least a few backup plans?" Scowling, Atem made to move away, pulling Yugi away from the wall.

     "What are you talkin _hhuuurrrrk_!" With a truly undignified grunt, Atem tripped, only avoiding a face-plant by letting go of Yugi so he could break his fall. Looking back, he glared at the pair of handcuffs that were now fastened around his ankles. "Is that all? I could break that chain in my sleep," he snorted. Ryou simply squinted at him in anticipation. Atem rolled onto his back, gripped one side of the cuffs in each hand, and yanked- Nothing. He stared down at the intact connection between the cuffs in disbelief. He yanked again. Why weren't they breaking? He looked up again, and saw Yugi and Ryou staring at him, wide-eyed. There was no way these metal cuffs should be able to resist his strength, so why...shit. How long had it been since he'd eaten? Maybe a week? He couldn't remember exactly.

     "Powers grow weaker with blood deprivation...check," muttered Ryou, as if to himself. Yugi was still staring at him with his mouth open. Atem's stomach twisted in a way that he didn't think he'd felt in decades. Tricks and traps were one thing, but actually being at the mercy of a human never spelled anything but disaster. And he had threatened to kill one of them several times. He swallowed thickly and made a jump for the window, but as soon as his fingers closed around the ledge he felt two bodies tackle him from behind, dragging him back inside.

     "Quick, get the other ones!" Atem writhed in panic, feeling his elbow make contact with someone's stomach. He heard a slight oof, but he ended up with a knee in his back and his arms pulled behind him.

 

***click***

 

By the time he regained his equilibrium, he was sat in a chair in a brightly lit kitchen, hands and feet cuffed, and his waist secured to the chair with extra shock cord. _Shit._ Yugi and Ryou were both flushed and panting slightly from exertion, and appeared to be having some kind of conversation using only their eyes.

     "Ah...well...I guess congratulations are in order." Atem tried desperately to regain his self-assured demeanor. "It's not every day I get one-uped like this."

Yugi let out a relieved smile. "Does this mean you're going to stop trying to eat me?"

     "Of course. I wouldn't dream of depriving the world of someone so clever." He tried for a charming smile, but he could feel his face still pinched with fear.

Ryou squinted at him suddenly. "Why are you nervous? Is it really that bad that we beat you? We did have the entire knowledge of the internet at our disposal. And we technically have you outnumbered, even if we are only humans."

     "You just want me to stop trying to eat you? That's all? You aren't going to...you know..."

     "Oh gods, you thought we were going to torture you with more soybeans or something? Fuck Atem, we aren't _monsters_." Yugi blinked. "I mean, you know. No offense. Seriously, I haven't had this much fun in ages."

     "The same goes for me- hey, are you feeling alright?"

Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, Atem's head was starting to droop against his chest. The pressure behind his eyes was rapidly turning into pain. "Too much exertion, too little food," he groaned. He wished his hands were free to massage his temples, although that likely wouldn't help the headache.

     "Huh. I guess that's partly our fault then," said Yugi. "What exactly can you eat, anyway?"

     "Human blood, or animal blood in a pinch."

     "Does it have to be fresh?"

     "Well, the fresher the better," Atem mumbled. "Why?"

     "Hey Ryou, think you can find some takeout? I bet one of the guys will have something."

Ryou frowned and pulled out his phone. "It's late, and it's a Sunday, but I'll see what I can do." He pressed the phone to his ear, crossing his fingers at Yugi. "Hello? Hey Jounouchi, I- Yes, I know it's late. I do apologize. Ah, you know me too well. Yes. Well, human if you can get it, but anything will work as long as it's fresh-ish. You do? Excellent. No, don't worry, I can come to you." Here he glanced at Yugi with his eyebrows raised.

     "It'll be fine," Yugi nodded. "Atem looks too wiped to cause any trouble. Besides, I still have the soybeans of doom." 

     "Ok, thank you Jou, I owe you one." Ryou hung up and went to grab his bag. "Shouldn't take me long, Jou lives close. Can I borrow the bike?"

     "If you wreck it, I'll kill you!" chirped Yugi, waving as Ryou disappeared. Then he turned to back to Atem, who was practically falling out of the chair. "That can't be comfortable. Do you promise not to try anything if I move you to the couch?"

     "Mmm."

     "I'll take that as a yes." Yugi approached cautiously, but there was no other response. Atem didn't even look up as he unhooked the shock cord that held him to the chair. He slid an arm behind Atem's back, and tried lifting the vampire to his feet. Atem wobbled a bit, but managed to walk almost to the couch before he tripped over the cuffs and pitched forward. "Woah!" Yugi managed to pull Atem towards him, catching him awkwardly under the arms. He realized that Atem's face was perilously close to his neck and hurriedly turned them both, dropping the limp figure onto the couch. Thankfully it happened to be the side with the unshredded cushions. Atem flopped, narrowly avoiding cracking his skull on the armrest, and shoved haphazardly at the couch until he was somewhere in the neighborhood of sitting upright. Yugi flipped the ruined cushion over so he could sit on the other end of the couch. He sighed and let his head fall back. Atem was heavier than he looked.

     "You smell good."

Yugi looked over from where he sprawled, and saw Atem's dark red eyes glowing at him in the dim light of the living room.

     "Nice try, but no. You can wait till Ryou gets back."

     "But Yuuuuugi I'm hungry! Just a little bite..." His words were starting to sound a bit slurred, but Yugi paid no attention to his whining until he felt Atem flop over him from the other side of the couch and start trying to lick his neck. "Feeeeed me Yugi, I'm hungry!"

     "No! Stop that." Yugi placed his palm over Atem's face and easily pushed him back over to his side of the couch. "So you can make a reference to Little Shop of Horrors, but not The Avengers?"

     " 's different," Atem said, waving his cuffed hands vaguely in Yugi's direction. "Movies 're dumb. Plays 're art."

     "If you weren't so out of it I'd fight you for that," grumbled Yugi, fending off another of Atem's feeble attempts to bite him while texting Ryou with the other hand.

    _hurry up pls_

_Got the food, omw home. You want anything?_

_drive fast he keeps trying to lick me_

_Hot._

_fuck u_

_Wait how is he licking you if he's tied to a chair?_  
_Oh gods you idiot you untied him didn't you._

_he looked uncomfy_

_You deserve whatever he does to you lol._

Yugi glanced over at his prisoner, who appeared to have stopped trying to attack him, and had settled for staring hazily into his eyes instead. Atem's lips had dropped open slightly, and his tongue was running deliberately over his fangs. Yugi gulped and quickly returned his attention to his phone.

     "Hahaaa, now youuu're the one blushing. Point for mee!" Atem sang.

     "Yeah, yeah, point for you. Your face should be illegal."

     "How ruuuude!" Atem groaned. He tried to kick Yugi with his feet still cuffed, but only succeeded in almost falling off the couch. Finally the apartment door slammed open, and Ryou burst inside waving a small cooler in one hand.

     "Dinner is served!" He tossed a clear plastic bag to Yugi, who sighed with relief and stuck it in front of Atem's face.

     "Is this gonna work?"

     " _Fuck yes_ ," Atem breathed, and sunk his teeth directly into the bag, slurping loudly.

     "Oh come on...it's going to get all over my couch," Ryou griped. "I do hope you aren't a messy eater. Of course you are, what am I saying. At least let me get a towel." He dropped the cooler near the door and bolted for the bathroom. "Gods above, I just wanted an excuse to shoot someone with a homemade crossbow, this isn't what I signed up for." Yugi watched him run, grinning from ear to ear. Forget Duel Monsters and rituals gone wrong, this might be the most fun he'd had _ever_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm bringing this to an end before it gets even more out of hand... I also have more I want to write in this AU though (I still have a giant text doc of random vampire lore I want to use), so that'll happen at some point after I finish my other Yugi/Ryou-centric fic. Hope you enjoyed! Comments, criticism, and thoughts on anything you'd like to see from this AU are welcome, either here or on [tumblr](http://duelmepharaoh.tumblr.com).


End file.
